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It costs me so much to be a part of the totem

I was triggered yesterday after worship night at mission

Trigger: comment that I chose to deproritize the gang

I interpreted that as a spiritual shoving back and scolding

I have vulnerably shared my commitment to prioritize the gang

I have sent multiple invitations for deeper bread breaking fellowship

I have sent multiple invitations for assistance in healing

I have sent multiple invitations for assistance in lightening of burdens

I have multiple invitations for mere countenance at church

My feeling feel like the morning tides

I get pulled away by my worth out to the ocean’s abyss

I come crawling back to the shore of the gang

I ask to anchor into the gang

Yet every closed door

Cuts a cord

To stay connected

How many times must I not be trusted

My character not enough

To be worthy of membership

So my understanding of unconditional love

Is holding the tension

Of being persistent to abide in a gang

That I believe will bring me closer to Christ

Or being in another relationship where I must hide who I am

Because anything I say

Is taken offensively

As I am not trusted

To not judge

Or be malicious

Yet the Lord has prepared me for this all my life

So I must hold the tension

Of escaping my feelings and presence

For

Building more character of surrendering my pride that my contribution is necessary

I default to deepening a relationship

In moments shared

Deepening by speaking the name of Jesus

Or deeping by speaking the things of the heart

Or deepening by breaking bread

Or making future plans to deepen the relationship

Or reminiscing the depths traveled before or shallows of where the relationship once was

Or glorifying God together

Or worshipping God together

If the doors are shut (from one side or the other)

Then I can sit there for so long

Before I am called to knock upon another

And create more paths and connections

To a neighboring temple

The weight of rejected invitations

Stacked higher than a totem

That I feel I am holding

Will eventually break a camel’s back