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It costs me so much to be a part of the totem
I was triggered yesterday after worship night at mission
Trigger: comment that I chose to deproritize the gang
I interpreted that as a spiritual shoving back and scolding
I have vulnerably shared my commitment to prioritize the gang
I have sent multiple invitations for deeper bread breaking fellowship
I have sent multiple invitations for assistance in healing
I have sent multiple invitations for assistance in lightening of burdens
I have multiple invitations for mere countenance at church
My feeling feel like the morning tides
I get pulled away by my worth out to the ocean’s abyss
I come crawling back to the shore of the gang
I ask to anchor into the gang
Yet every closed door
Cuts a cord
To stay connected
How many times must I not be trusted
My character not enough
To be worthy of membership
So my understanding of unconditional love
Is holding the tension
Of being persistent to abide in a gang
That I believe will bring me closer to Christ
Or being in another relationship where I must hide who I am
Because anything I say
Is taken offensively
As I am not trusted
To not judge
Or be malicious
Yet the Lord has prepared me for this all my life
So I must hold the tension
Of escaping my feelings and presence
For
Building more character of surrendering my pride that my contribution is necessary
I default to deepening a relationship
In moments shared
Deepening by speaking the name of Jesus
Or deeping by speaking the things of the heart
Or deepening by breaking bread
Or making future plans to deepen the relationship
Or reminiscing the depths traveled before or shallows of where the relationship once was
Or glorifying God together
Or worshipping God together
If the doors are shut (from one side or the other)
Then I can sit there for so long
Before I am called to knock upon another
And create more paths and connections
To a neighboring temple
The weight of rejected invitations
Stacked higher than a totem
That I feel I am holding
Will eventually break a camel’s back