LamMoving

Tag: randomThoughts

  • Play date

    20251125

    Sitting waiting in the doctor office

    Went back to my mental train head quarter

    To ride down the thought of just wanting a play date

    Someone to play with

    No one wanted to play with me

    I played with others

    Played the game they wanted to play

    It was the closest I could get to playing what I wanted

    To have someone there

    And not be alone

    Interwoven with being yelled at for doing things wrong

    Interwoven with not knowing what I am doing

    Interwoven with annoyance of asking for help

    Interwoven with feeling stupid

    People flustered when I ask for help

    Because I do not know what I want

    Because I have not explored myself

    Because myself did not have value to explore

    Because my dad did not value me to stay

    Because I did not feel I had value to be paid attention to

    Because the only attention I got was met with annoyance and obligation

    Because any time I seeked help it was shot down

    Because the curiosity was killed me in

    I was a shelled vessel moving with the ebbs and flows of life

    Never knowing anything about the shell I had

    Until the mysteries of the waters

    Washed me on the shores of a hermit crab

    That fit inside me perfectly

    But I was crowded with things that did not belong in my vessel

    Things I held on to because it works for others

    And I hoped it would work for me

    My mom shaved her head in prayer for my sister’s pregnancy

    Because it worked for someone else

    Not because it was a calling on her heart

    Because she would do anything to help her daughter

    That hermit crab made a real comfy home in the shells she found

    She found so many and was able to collect them

    And make a wonderful home for herself in so many of them

    Making it cozy enough to only fit herself

    I kept getting larger vessels

    Hoping the the space would be filled eventually

    Hold the space for someone

    That wants to be there

    I do not even want to be there

  • Freeze frame

    20251112

    Gummy breathe. Breathe. In the name of Jesus. By charity Gail

    You have three choices of movement every second

    Continue going to where you’re going, pause where you are, go back from where you came from

    Continue forward, pause and stand where you are, step back where you were from

    **snatched binocular

    Look down a binocular

    Imagine seeing something amazing out there

    Maybe it’s a beautiful waterfall

    One that is glistening in the summer sun

    That is tickling your desire to escape the heat

    One crashing just enough to make a smokey mist

    A midst that smells of cold salty air

    **Snatched Jesus every little thing

    While frozen framed

    ***

    With out looking around

    Someone shouts what a beautiful day!

    You realize you are on a cruise

    And it is warm

    Suddenly something jumped in the distance by the waterfall

    ****snatched pretend

    A world of possibilities

    Game before “we get started”

  • Sendy…

    202601230715

    Touch

    20251121

    Blessed by ashnic86 during and after chosen bible study

    Start right now by run51

    20251116

    Discern when to suffer in silence

    How do I reconcile the painful words

    How do I reconcile the accusations

    If I was wrong I repent

    If I was wronged then what

    Then unconditionally love them

    It hurts my spirit so much more than physical body

    To be accused of the wrong character

    Accused of lacking caring

    Of lacking honesty

    Of lacking trustworthiness

    Of lacking good

    Constantly have to prove it

    Constantly have to say it

    Constantly having to be constant

    Until it kills me

    Saw me

    Yet accused me

    Of being someone else

    Taught me self care

    20251115

    Driving to friends giving to work Sendy

    Just worshiping 

    Abba by John Pantera 

    I just want to walk in the cool of the day with simple affections of your heart 

    Lord God! 

    You just want a simple relationship of appreciation 

    I have never met anyone more. Appreciative your creation 

    No one that appreciates the beauty of the present 

    The colors and the Majesty of nature 

    20251111

    Love me like you do

    20251101

    Gummy, inhale, brush, squat, moisturize

    Being gross

    Evacuating nose sebaceous filament

    ** synonym for black head/white head/ not pimple gunk what is

    Circular not scrub

    Domino mind blow… 🔗

    **

    Thought about the cabinet filament collector

    You are a fellow listener

    You were not listened to growing up

    You were accused of lying about the character you believe you had after a traumatic experience

      Just like I was never trusted with doing things, anything, or be on my own, or following directions

    ** snatched sin sign crucify

    Stern direction

    Fear follows

    Pause discern… 🔗

    Alignment of goal

    **

    **snatched 21Q about your day

    Ball on scale for every I do not know

    Split centered ball drop hoppered scale

    **

    You are the best time traveler

    Back to a better time and staying there mentally

    Recognizing everything around her now

    In nature now was good because not in bad memory

    I was good at being stuck here and finding entertainment in the now

    My curiosity pruned each time I asked to time travel

    You are the queen of remembering the past

    I am the king of traveling too far into the future

    You are my anchor

    I am your anchor

    Same same

    Seeking, listener

    Seeking, care-er

    Seeking, security

    Seeking, comforter

    Seeking, healing

    Seeking, consistency

    Seeking,

    , = Jeremiah 29:13 – with all your heart a

    Lift me up blessing offor

    Little bird blessing offor

    Flipbook presentation

    Anchor Stone cotton floss ring

    You are creative

    Because you are so in the present

    Not worrying about other things

    202511102

    Grace for both being a walking contradiction

    I was in my norm

    To not share about me

    Because I am not worthy to be seen or known

    I will not share unless asked to share

    Because no one likes my opinion unless asked for

    Trigger:

    Moisturizing hair feels nice

    Not overly stiff / controlling fingers

    Head can participate

    Reminds me of scratching Dang hair

    Discovering without question

    Imagine if she participated a bit

    Or know that she completely surrendered to trusting me

    Or know that she has control by say any word

    I questioned her body with mine

    I listened for the answer

    She got the ice

    She shared the good news of good moisturizer on the first day

    I ask so many questions

    Because I was not asked many questions

    Maybe I had my feelings on my face

    Maybe they tried to console

    Maybe I did not recognize the consolation

    Maybe they tried to console me the best they could

    Maybe they consoled me the way they wanted to be consoled

    Maybe they did not realize the consolation style was for them and I am….me

    Sendy was perfectly fitting to my sore spot

    She did not like asking me questions

    Her pride said that she can figure everything out

    Without asking me questions

    She did not recognize how good I was hiding from people

    I did not recognize how bad I was at hiding from people

    She wanted to be seen and known

    Without being questioned

    She wanted to be invited into conversations

    Without being forced into the conversation

    Without direct questions

    I wanted direct permission

    So I do not feel embarrassed

    For misinterpreting

    If someone else is talking

    I cannot be wrong

    I could have shared more

    Without prompting

    Without fear of shame or anger

    Especially when I felt misunderstood/represented

    I did not know how to love

    I did not know how to recognize love

    I asked questions when I was curious

    But my spirit of curiosity was cut short, down, smothered, snuffed, disarmed, asphyxiated

    I did not know you can seek answers on your own

    So I die

    I shutdown

    You learned to seek on your own

    You learned to reduce your own answers with asking questions

    Two spectrum opposite approaches to the same evil spirit of abandonment

    The answer is somewhere between us

    If we meet in the middle

    We find joy

    The middle is the Truth