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Sitting waiting in the doctor office
Went back to my mental train head quarter
To ride down the thought of just wanting a play date
Someone to play with
No one wanted to play with me
I played with others
Played the game they wanted to play
It was the closest I could get to playing what I wanted
To have someone there
And not be alone
Interwoven with being yelled at for doing things wrong
Interwoven with not knowing what I am doing
Interwoven with annoyance of asking for help
Interwoven with feeling stupid
People flustered when I ask for help
Because I do not know what I want
Because I have not explored myself
Because myself did not have value to explore
Because my dad did not value me to stay
Because I did not feel I had value to be paid attention to
Because the only attention I got was met with annoyance and obligation
Because any time I seeked help it was shot down
Because the curiosity was killed me in
I was a shelled vessel moving with the ebbs and flows of life
Never knowing anything about the shell I had
Until the mysteries of the waters
Washed me on the shores of a hermit crab
That fit inside me perfectly
But I was crowded with things that did not belong in my vessel
Things I held on to because it works for others
And I hoped it would work for me
My mom shaved her head in prayer for my sister’s pregnancy
Because it worked for someone else
Not because it was a calling on her heart
Because she would do anything to help her daughter
That hermit crab made a real comfy home in the shells she found
She found so many and was able to collect them
And make a wonderful home for herself in so many of them
Making it cozy enough to only fit herself
I kept getting larger vessels
Hoping the the space would be filled eventually
Hold the space for someone
That wants to be there
I do not even want to be there