Talking with Sarah
Processing Jack passing
The pain of losing someone you love
Is excruciating
I have to move on without him
Remembering him in each item that she has to reconsolidate
*Godwink stay with me by Sam Smith*
God is that you talking to me to stay with you
Or me to sendy
Or sendy to me
Recognize how to survive
You got to do whatever you wanted
Eat whatever you wanted
Go where you wanted
Mom was a passive authority
Dad was an unreasonable and absent authority
You seeked out joy in self desires
Until you were taken advantage of
And realized you had no support
Just as I realized I had no support during the divorce
Everyone just pretended it did not happen
Maybe I am crazy and it is not supposed to make you feel anything
I barely know how to recognize my feelings of joy
I cannot process this kind of spirit crushing realization
You figured out how to check the school, job, bills check boxes on your own
Frustrated comparing to others in envy or spite
They had more support
Unfairly
I recognize it because that is me
I did not know how to do any of those
I asked
I was not guided
I was not worth teaching
I had to figure it out on my own
We figured it out
Got to the same place eventually
With different routes
But we are here
Now
Logical
Final initial thought
Whatever that means
After filling out my profile
Recognize joy is not known without pain
Not the pain of me constantly hurting you
The pain that you remembered your past
The past will always be with you
But you can let go of the weights those memories carry
Like paint on a masterpiece
You cannot save all of the leftover paint
There is a working time for it
Then it dries up
And cannot perform its purpose
So it is discarded
Be grateful for its provision
And the beautiful marks
It left behind