20251125
It was a bit scarring and sore to not have many memories of love
I remember asking about how to manage my tiny finances of my piggy bank in the big boy bank
Brushed off
Sad
Poked at unheard and unvalued
But God
Was working through them to not teach me
Because it is not important
By seeking at all
I was aware
And will figure it out
20251125
Sitting waiting in the doctor office
Went back to my mental train head quarter
To ride down the thought of just wanting a play date
Someone to play with
No one wanted to play with me
I played with others
Played the game they wanted to play
It was the closest I could get to playing what I wanted
To have someone there
And not be alone
Interwoven with being yelled at for doing things wrong
Interwoven with not knowing what I am doing
Interwoven with annoyance of asking for help
Interwoven with feeling stupid
People flustered when I ask for help
Because I do not know what I want
Because I have not explored myself
Because myself did not have value to explore
Because my dad did not value me to stay
Because I did not feel I had value to be paid attention to
Because the only attention I got was met with annoyance and obligation
Because any time I seeked help it was shot down
Because the curiosity was killed me in
I was a shelled vessel moving with the ebbs and flows of life
Never knowing anything about the shell I had
Until the mysteries of the waters
Washed me on the shores of a hermit crab
That fit inside me perfectly
But I was crowded with things that did not belong in my vessel
Things I held on to because it works for others
And I hoped it would work for me
My mom shaved her head in prayer for my sister’s pregnancy
Because it worked for someone else
Not because it was a calling on her heart
Because she would do anything to help her daughter
That hermit crab made a real comfy home in the shells she found
She found so many and was able to collect them
And make a wonderful home for herself in so many of them
Making it cozy enough to only fit herself
I kept getting larger vessels
Hoping the the space would be filled eventually
Hold the space for someone
That wants to be there
I do not even want to be there
20251124
Thanks long for trying to teach me.
Only a little annoyed ashamed
But caring and played