Dead eyes

20251028

Purgatory message

I found out what dead eyes you were talking about that I wear sometimes. 
It likely was worn when you were upset at me
I felt shame for upsetting you even if it was only triggering a disproportionate memory
I had to kill the behavior that got me there
Or kill the language I used
Or kill the road to this memory
To keep your joy enduring
I rather sacrifice any of those
Than lose you
It was a new me every time
I needed it to grow my spiritual patience
Each time to work closer to you
Hoping you recognize my spirit
Of Love for you
You broke more of my unstable foundation of being able to see anything through
You broke my spirit of being able to be logical in disagreements
You broke my spirit of being curious of the infinite universe
You broke my boundary from sloth to restful naps
You broke my boundary from night time routines to necessary self care
You broke my boundary of trust by knowing my boundary for unfaithful acts... And crossing it.
But it was worth all of it 
To still Love as you are right now
I will love you now
In hopes you will love me

In whatever altitude you will allow

---

I found my shame sore spots

Disappointing someone I respect

I have to kill the behavior that got me there

I do not want to see that look

Killing me

Rather kill that behavior first

Before another attempt happens again

20251017

I was accused of dead eyes

Dead eyes accused me

Eyes that lead to death of previous peace

Eyes that have taken over

What was