Good enough

20251116

After fellowship with Chris Salsaviors

Before writing my first post from the computer

Took a couple of inviting breathes to God

Took me to where my feelings were unlocked

Took me to Sendy..

Train kept going past the train station

To dad and mom

I resented mom for guilting dad

My mom seemed pathetic to me

But God revealed.. I was not being Pathetic to my mom

I resented mom for guilting me to guilt dad

I subconsciously internalized at I will not be like my mom to guilt any one to WANT to be with me

It consciously, outwardly, in relationships showed

I buried the guilt under category of dismissing dad for leaving the family

But God revealed.. I did resent and have anger toward dad

“If he does not want to be here, let him go. Do not force him”

God revealed how I felt

About feeling

Good enough

How much I was forced to do anything. go somewhere. eat. play

How I did not feel like I had a choice to do anything

How much anyone wanted to actually do things with me

Nothing I did on my own got accolades

Only things done with other people

So nothing was worth doing on my own

It only had value if other people were there to provide value

Yet I was alone a lot

So none of it had value

I have so many gaps of memories as a child

Memories of love