Play date

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Sitting waiting in the doctor office

Went back to my mental train head quarter

To ride down the thought of just wanting a play date

Someone to play with

No one wanted to play with me

I played with others

Played the game they wanted to play

It was the closest I could get to playing what I wanted

To have someone there

And not be alone

Interwoven with being yelled at for doing things wrong

Interwoven with not knowing what I am doing

Interwoven with annoyance of asking for help

Interwoven with feeling stupid

People flustered when I ask for help

Because I do not know what I want

Because I have not explored myself

Because myself did not have value to explore

Because my dad did not value me to stay

Because I did not feel I had value to be paid attention to

Because the only attention I got was met with annoyance and obligation

Because any time I seeked help it was shot down

Because the curiosity was killed me in

I was a shelled vessel moving with the ebbs and flows of life

Never knowing anything about the shell I had

Until the mysteries of the waters

Washed me on the shores of a hermit crab

That fit inside me perfectly

But I was crowded with things that did not belong in my vessel

Things I held on to because it works for others

And I hoped it would work for me

My mom shaved her head in prayer for my sister’s pregnancy

Because it worked for someone else

Not because it was a calling on her heart

Because she would do anything to help her daughter

That hermit crab made a real comfy home in the shells she found

She found so many and was able to collect them

And make a wonderful home for herself in so many of them

Making it cozy enough to only fit herself

I kept getting larger vessels

Hoping the the space would be filled eventually

Hold the space for someone

That wants to be there

I do not even want to be there